Experts Recommend
by Schermionie
Summary: ...a weekly shopping trip, forgotten birthdays, several doses of mutual embarrassment and lots and lots of tuna - for all life's problems. For the Birthday Present Challenge. Post-epilogue oneshot.


Disclaimer: Anything that you recognise is probably mine... is what J.K. Rowling could truthfully say.

Challenge Name: the Birthday Present Challenge

Challenge Issuer: chronicxxxinsanity

Where?: Harry Potter Fanfiction Challenges Forum

Challenge: Write a story in which Character A forgets to get Character B a birthday present until the last minute -- the challenge of it is to make the present an item that the challenger gives you. All of the objects are ridiculous, and mine was "a can of tuna. (CHICKEN OF THE SEA!)" (To quote directly in that last bit...)

Special Thanks To: tat1312, for being her usual awesome self and more.

A/N: This is the story you get when you a) sign up for weird challenges and then actually get a plot bunny, and b) when characters force their way into something as you write it, petulantly demanding to be included. This is what you get, Draco, when you annoy me until I cave in and allow you in. ;)

I hope you enjoy, and **please review**! Even if it's just something quick, reviews are the only payment fanfic authors received. Just let me know you passed this way, and I'll feel like writing is worth my while.~

* * *

Hermione had never quite got out of the habit of shopping in Muggle supermarkets.

They were a little _dull_ compared to magical places, and of course she had to go to Diagon Alley for certain things. Ron was forever reminding her that she could just floo or apparate to the Alley, but, as she often told him, it was all a little too much trouble for weekly shopping when she could walk down the road from the house and shop there. With several discreet spells on the bags she took with her, she could quite easily carry everything along the five minute walk back; and it was nice to have some time away from her house, busy with children, to walk alone and have the room to think.

They lived in a Muggle area. Why not take advantage of the resources used by Muggles?

That was one argument for it. Another -- one she told to no one but Ginny -- was that she had a secret love of trashy Muggle best-sellers. And those she _couldn't _get in Diagon Alley.

The good thing about Muggle shops, too, was that she had less chance of being seen buying _certain_ items. It wasn't as if she was embarrassed about buying these things anymore, but she liked to have the anonymity that wizarding shops didn't tend to offer her. Wizarding shop assistants would crowd round her, continually asking if they could help or -- worse still -- have her autograph.

It was tiresome.

As was shopping itself, really, so Hermione was always grateful when she could finally get past the checkouts and get on home. Today, indeed, was no exception; even though she had been distracted by the allure of the half-price aisle and picked up several things that she quite frankly had not come out for, which never failed to annoy her husband, she had also managed to nab J.K. Railing's next book, already a best-seller, and couldn't wait to get home and curl up with it/"do some urgent work".

It was with a jolt that she noticed a birthday card lying on the section of the conveyor belt occupied by items the man in front of her was buying, and remembered something, with a building sense of worry, that she'd forgotten to do.

It was her niece Roxanne's birthday in three days -- the party in four -- and Hermione had completely forgotten to buy the girl a present... actually, she hadn't even bought a card (not that that would be enough: Hermione had vowed never to be one of those aunts who only sent cards on her nieces' and nephews' birthdays, wanting to be very close to _all_ of her family. She had always vowed never to _forget _birthdays, either. And she usually never did).

She glanced around helplessly as the man in front collected all of his shopping. She'd be very busy these coming days -- too busy to go shopping, certainly -- and she was here now...

Holding back a sigh, Hermione blustered an explanation to the tired checkout girl ushering her forward, hurriedly piled everything back into her trolley and pushed her way out of the line, muttering apologies to everyone as she went. Several people tutted disapprovingly, and she blushed scarlet as she headed down the nearest aisle.

Roxanne, she remembered once she had managed to shake off the embarrassment, _loved _food. She was quite as much into it as her father had been into pranks and practical jokes, even at age four.

_But I can't just get her _food, she thought desperately, well aware that she was late back home. She'd almost passed through the tinned goods section when she suddenly remembered Alicia mention that Roxanne had recently taken to tuna.

So much so that it was one of the few things she would eat.

Hermione contemplated the tuna cans for a long moment. It would be a good start to the present, at least, if not the whole thing... and Ron had always been keen on giving people joke presents, too, until that one year when Hugo's moustache just _wouldn't_ come off, and she'd got _fed up_ of receiving a copy of _Hogwarts: a History_ every Christmas, birthday and anniversary. She supposed that it would be okay to get a joke present for someone, just this _once_... as long as Ron didn't get any ideas about continuing the tradition...

She nodded to herself and added two cans to her trolley, mind straying to the toy section at the back of the store as a positive feeling enveloped her; now that she had got _started_ on the present for Roxanne, it all seemed a lot less stressful.

As she turned the corner, however, her thoughts jumped to quite a different place. There was a man standing in the hair products aisle who looked very familiar to her, but it took a few seconds for it dawn on her_ why _he was familiar, and another few for her to think it over furiously and still come to the conclusion that he looked at lot like Draco Malfoy.

No -- he was, _unmistakeably_, Draco Malfoy.

She gasped loudly and he started from his close examination of the shelves in front of him; her positive mood wilted a bit as she saw the look in his eyes. So _guarded_. The man may have become less hostile to Harry since he saved his life, but when they'd happened to pass each other by at the Ministry his feelings towards _her_ had seemed just the same as ever. Not-so warm and fuzzy with a dash of pure hatred.

This was Draco Malfoy, Muggle-hater, and he was walking calmly around a Muggle supermarket buying -- what?

Ah. _Of course!_ Hair growth stimulants.

_Poor _man was going bald. An absolute _shame_, really, with what recent studies had shown.

Apparently, many pureblooded wizards were immune to hair-growing potions. A bizarre side-effect of some ingredient common to every anti-balding potion out there, perhaps... that or a bit of divine justice. But no matter the cause: obviously Malfoy had been reduced to skulking around Muggle shops, desperately trying to cling onto what little hair he had left.

She wanted to laugh, and almost did, but she'd noticed the new direction of Malfoy's gaze. He was looking straight into her trolley, eyebrows half-raised in an expression of half-disgust and half-amusement.

_Oh god_, she thought as a schoolgirlish embarrassment washed over her. _He's seen my moustache wax... and my sanitary towels..._

Acting instinctively, her hands shot out to cover said items; and when she heard him give a slight, haughty snort, she stupidly tried to cover the movement by grabbing the first thing she came across -- Roxanne's tuna -- and stuffing it into his hands.

Now it was confusion that covered his face, though disgust remained as he examined the can (perhaps their fingers had brushed?).

"Tuna," he said, and then fell silent. Maybe something about having to work for a living -- the majority of his family's money having been taken away by those who demanded _some_ kind of justice for the Malfoy's part in the war -- had made him more stoic, but, at that moment, she couldn't read him at all.

"Ummm," she muttered as the silence dragged on, "I, er... want you to have it."

"..._What_?"

"Well," she said, flushed at having to lie, "you were, uh, looking a bit thin," (at this, she involuntarily glanced at his thinning hair) "so I thought you should get some tuna into you!"

His unreadable expression changed to one that said 'You're a mad, raving idiot.'

She was starting to think that she might be.

And yet, she continued to ramble.

She was a grown woman, dammit!

"You know it's, um, the chicken of the sea and all that! So uh... take it and... and... goodbye..."

Hermione took his now even nastier expression as her cue to leave in what she _hoped _was a dignified silence -- she was a grown woman, after all, and she'd be dammed if she'd lose her composure in front of him and run away.

Though she _was _walking a little quicker than usual.

Just a little.

"Granger," he called after her, and she slowly swivelled around, cursing inwardly. _Is it _really_ too much to ask to get my shopping over and done with within an hour?_

He took a few strides towards her, long legs making it easy for him to quickly cover the distance, and sneered as he dropped the tuna back into her trolley with a loud _clunk_. "Quite frankly, I'd rather eat Cockcroach Clusters than something you'd recommend..."

She heard the added 'Mudblood', even if he didn't voice it aloud.

But then she smiled.

Because she'd just thought of something that would trump any nasty comment about this episode that he could possibly throw at her.

"Actually, Malfoy," she said sweetly, "I'm not the only one who would recommend it."

He seemed to be searching for the true purpose of her remark.

"After all," she continued smugly, not wanting to leave him in suspense, "experts have said that eating more oily fish, such as tuna, can help stop premature balding."

And with that she dropped the cans of tuna into his basket and strolled off, not even hiding her laughter at the flush in his cheeks as he struggled to process that, yes, Hermione Granger had just one-upped him.

----

Four days later, Hermione presented Roxanne with a very pretty dress and some matching jewellery, along with a bag of the birthday girl's favourite sweets.

A delighted Roxanne didn't receive any tuna, but by that time had already developed a new craze for cheese, anyway.

Even if she hadn't, though, it would have been worth it just to see that look on Malfoy's face.

It seemed that Muggle supermarkets _could _be interesting, after all.


End file.
